- In 2011, I had my first mental breakdown and was hospitalized for about a week.
- In 2016, I had my second mental breakdown and was not hospitalized.
- In 2017, I had my third mental breakdown and was hospitalized for about three weeks in two different hospitals.
During my hospitalization from my first breakdown, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. The breakdown that I had included symptoms of mania and psychosis.
After my first breakdown, my life changed and in some ways for the better.
Bipolar disorder saved me from myself. It saved me from the lack of self-care and self-love that I had. It saved me from being in denial about all the mental health issues I was experiencing.
I was having serious mental health issues for about 7 years before my first breakdown. I was in complete denial, but my breakdown woke me up.
My breakdown taught me what years of mental health neglect could do to me. I also recognized that I hadn’t been treating myself well, especially mentally.
Mental Abuse
I used to mentally abuse myself.
I felt like I was deserving of all the bullying I experienced growing up, so I started bullying my own self. (Being bullied was one of the biggest catalysts of the onset of my mental health issues.)
I specifically remember days that I would make fun of myself in my head.
I used to say things like this to myself,
“Don’t look at that guy you have a crush on. He doesn’t see you. Nobody wants to be with you because you’re too ugly.”
or
“The only thing that you’re good at is being bad at everything.”
This is just a sample of how my self-talk was and this happened often. It was very hurtful and traumatizing.
Imagine if someone you love said things like that to you. How do you think you would feel?
When someone says something hurtful, it stings. When you say something hurtful to yourself, it burns.
The pain and trauma that you inflict on yourself can sometimes be worse than the pain and trauma someone else might inflict on you.
As much as I was traumatized by the pain others inflicted on me, I was also traumatized by the pain I inflicted on myself.
So during my first breakdown, I recognized that I needed to stop inflicting so much pain on myself and break those patterns.
And let me be clear, I never inflicted physical pain onto myself. All the pain that I put on myself was mental.
New Journey to Self-Love
I remember making a pact with myself during my first breakdown that from now on, I will not only care for myself mentally, but I will change the negative mindset that I have been consuming.
Since the day I made that pact, I decided to take care of my mental health with every fiber of my being.
I not only went to therapy and took my medication, but I also started this new journey of self-love and self-care. That last part made the biggest impact.
And almost 8 years later, my relationship with myself has magnified exponentially.
From this newfound relationship, I am able to start this blog to share my experiences and my raw truth.
I also learned SOOOOO much on this new journey that my cup is overflowing with knowledge, tips, and inspiration that I want to share with others….and most importantly, with YOU.
Want to read more about my self-love journey? Check out my new book which consists of a series of letters that I wrote to myself based on my mental health journey.
Liked this post? Share with others or comment below and let me know. 🙂
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